Something extraordinary happened in our family recently and having shared it with some of my coaching clients and network members I feel it’s time to share it with a wider audience.
I must add that I am a private person when it comes to my family, however this was so powerful that I would feel selfish keeping it to myself!
Feeling overwhelmed and under par I decided it was time to let my family know exactly how I was feeling and how it was impacting on my personal and business life.
I teach people how to value and nurture themselves and whilst I do take time to meditate, read and develop my skills and knowledge, I felt I wasn’t fully practicing what I preached and it was time for real change.
Being a huge fan of Nancy Kline’s ‘Time To Think’ coaching model, I decided to put her teaching into practice with the family.
I called a family meeting with my husband, Tom, and my daughters, Emma, 25yrs and Katie, 23yrs – both still living at home.
I didn’t make a big thing of it and there wasn’t much warning -I wanted them to think and react ‘in the moment’, so when they all got in from work I just said I wanted us to sit down and talk abut a few things.
They were immediately suspicious and tried to second-guess what it was all about – “Is this about us not doing enough to help”?
I knew I had to set the context carefully to get the optimum results from this extraordinary meeting so I explained that I had been reading Nancy Kline’s book and applying her teachings to my coaching and that I now wanted to try out her guidelines on meeting facilitation so I could also offer that to teams.
This was to be a trial of Nancy’s method as part of my research into how well the system could work.
I explained that most meetings break down because people don’t listen to understand. Most people are thinking about what they want to say next and how they want to influence the outcome rather than truly listening to others and seeing things from their point of view. When people talk, they are frequently interrupted with objections, different points of view and possible solutions rather than being allowed to explain fully where they are coming from and to work out the solution for themselves.
When people are given the gift of ‘undiluted listening’, they start to access their subconscious brain and the rich repository of knowledge and experience that is stored there. More often than not, they can then see the issue clearly and the many solutions that can be accessed from our underused subconscious brain.
Every time we interrupt people talking, we bring them back to a superficial level of thinking – their conscious brain, we interrupt their train of thought and we close the doors to that rich repository.
So, back to our family meeting – after explaining the above, I made it clear that this wasn’t about blaming each other, this was about giving each other the rare gift of time to think and time to talk.
We would each have 5 minutes to talk uninterrupted about whatever issues we were having with family life and each other. Crucially – while one of us was talking the rest of us had to give them our full attention and keep our mouths closed! –
A real challenge with 3 women and a very talkative male in the house!
I explained that once we had all had our time to talk, we would than go round again with our new thoughts and possible solutions and then we would discuss everything that was raised.
I went first as I had called the meeting.
I explained that I was feeling overwhelmed and undervalued by them.
Despite the fact that I was up at the crack of dawn every day, working full time and often catching up with writing and planning on Sundays, I was still the chief cook and bottle washer at home.
I recognised that this was largely my fault for carrying on the tradition I was brought up in with my Father being the breadwinner and Mother the full-time Mum.
Like most parents, we have always wanted our girls to have the best life possible and pampering them came under that remit and has continued into their adult life.
We got sporadic help from them when asked but it was anything but a regular occurrence. Again my fault for not setting up a regular rota of chores – I chose the easy option!
Feeling decidedly under par at the weekend and coming home from the weekly shop to mountains of washing and chores and both girls just relaxing and enjoying their weekend was the catalyst for change.
I had also just had a coaching session, which highlighted that I was feeling undervalued and ‘put upon’ at home.
Everyone listened intently and as I described very calmly how all of this was making me feel and the impact it was having on my energy and therefore my work, I could see the message really sinking home.
I explained that dividing the labour would take the pressure off me and give me more time and energy for quality family time, which is invaluable – we are a very loving family unit.
Katie spoke next and was really apologetic about the way I was feeling and the lack of support she could see she was giving me. She spoke for about 3 minutes and then said she was done.
Tom intervened by explaining that this was not just about my issues, it was for everyone to share their thoughts and feelings about family life.
She said – “Really? I get to say my piece too?” She was beaming from ear to ear that we were going to sit and listen intently to her.
What she said next was really eye-opening!
“ I am a really positive person. I often come home full of the joys of life and buzzing energy and I walk in and Mum’s still working and totally engrossed in what she’s doing. Emma’s had a tough day and is feeling stressed and wants to talk about it. Dad’s stopped for a beer on the way home which puts everyone on edge because he is often ‘down on himself ‘ when he’s had a drink and he tells us the same stuff half a dozen times!”
Wow! We all looked at each other and we couldn’t deny that she was right. We were all using our internal coping mechanisms without seeing the huge impact it was having on the energy in the home.
Emma then spoke and was obviously upset that I was feeling undervalued and she was really apologetic for not doing more.
Ever the practical one, she immediately set up a plan for handling the cleaning and the washing, which has been implemented beautifully.
She recognised that she can often drain the energy in the evenings and has been much more positive and really handled the ups and downs of a high-pressure sales career.
She also shared some insights on how she was feeling about Katie and her Dad.
Tom agreed with my take on division of labour and with everything the girls said.
It came out that he feels our family life revolves too much around my schedule of work and energy -something I am currently working on.
He has stopped going to the pub for his ‘attitude adjustment hour’ from Monday –Thursday, which has really benefitted us all.
After the initial round of 5 minutes each, we all then had 3 minutes to talk about how we felt after all the revelations and our suggested solutions.
We then discussed what we were going to change and what we were committed to working on.
The outcome was way beyond my expectations.
It was totally empowering for us all.
Everyone felt really valued that they had a ‘Voice’ and that they had been listened to with respect and understanding and that we were all committed to changing for the benefit of our family unit and our future success.
We have agreed to have the family meeting every month and each of us will take it in turns to chair the meeting. What a fabulous life skill for the girls to adopt at this stage of their lives!
I urge you to try this with your family, your partner, your team – give them the time to think, The chance to access their deepest thoughts and feelings and the very precious and much underused gift of ‘undiluted listening’.
It’s like having a 360 degree feedback session with your family and it’s amazing what comes up.
We never see ourselves as others see us and this is really enlightening!
Isn’t it more important than anything to know how we are perceived by those we love most in the world and what we can do to make their lives richer and more fulfilling?
“Listening of this calibre ignites the human mind. The quality of your attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking” Nancy Kline